In nursing school, they told us that, "The only constant is change." When good ol' Lynn Hollister wrote that up on the board at school, I remember it almost angering me. I remember thinking, "are you for real? Really, aren't our jobs hard enough that we shouldn't be making it harder by constantly changing everything?" Well, as sorry as I am to say it, good ol' Lynn was right. Things are constantly changing.
I feel like that sentiment rings true for parenting as well. Just when we get into a groove, everything seems to change.
I knew that this year would be a year of change for us, and big changes. Whitaker would be in a new classroom with new staff members and new students. Parley would be starting school. I knew that it was going to be a big year-a monumental year-but I was embracing the change. I prepped them, we talked about it, social stories were made-it was all set to go great.
And then the school year happened, and it didn't go well. And six weeks in, it still isn't going well.
To spare you all the details, there are lots of new issues that are arising-from regressions to new aggressive behaviors. It's all very exciting......
Just kidding, it's not.
It's not at all. It's horrible, actually.
I've been racking my brains about what to do, how long to give him and how to address the problem. And despite all the consulting, observing and problem solving-things still take time to put into action and to see if they work or not.
In the meantime, while all of this has been going on, I also have two other children, a husband, a church calling, extended family, friends and a part time job. In those other roles, I have lots of interactions with lots of different people in lots of different circumstances. I interact mostly with other parents and with other families.
90% of the time, when I talk with other families, friends and patients, I usually focus on what we have in common. I love the camaraderie with other parents. I LOVE talking with them, hearing their funny stories, the things that are hard, the things that are going well. I really do. I focus on the struggles that we both have that are the same or similar. In the theoretical "venn-diagram," of my experience and your experience, I really try focus on that area where we meet in the middle.
and then there is that other 10% of the time.
Over the past 2-3 weeks, i have been in more and more situations where the differences in our experience have been highlighted and illuminated. And each time we've finished whatever outing, therapy, appointment or whatever, I've felt discouraged and alone.
the other 10% of the time, I'm in a really lonely, sad place where I feel sad about the situation. I feel overwhelmed, I feel scared and I feel anxious. I think about the boys schedule and how they don't have time to play with other kids or have time to just be little kids. I lay in bed and wonder if I'm doing enough? What am I not doing? What if I did this? Do I even have time to do that? What can I cut from the families schedule? What can I personally cut? What can Paul and I cut?
and then come the what if's. What if this happens? What if that is happening? what if, what if, what if.
but when i am stuck in that rutt of the other 10% of the time, I have learned that the longer I spend there, the worse I feel about the whole situation.
i came home one night in tears to paul. he listened to me and heard me. and after i said everything i needed to say, he had some profound words of wisdom that i wanted to share.
first off, it is hard and painful to watch your child struggle. bottom line. but its important to be aware of it and face the struggle so that you can properly address it. once you know what the struggle or struggles are, focus on what you can control and influence. for instance, we can't control the other students in the classroom with Whitaker or Parley, but we can make sure that they are rested and fed for school. We can do everything on our end to ensure that when they get to school, they are ready to work. next, outline a plan to do the things you can. it isn't enough to say, "well, I'm going to make sure that the kids get to bed on time." I need a detailed plan about how exactly we are going to try and make that happen-chances are everyone does. next, take the things you can't control and compartmentalize them to things that you are willing to wait on and things that you have to find a solution to. Sometimes it's too overwhelming to deal with everything at once, sometimes you want to wait and see if something changes because of other things you are trying to address. Either way, you have to be ok with putting some things on hold and set a time to reevaluate them. After deciding what can and cannot wait-next be willing to ask for help. Be willing to be vulnerable, admit that you may not know, that you are unsure, or that what you are trying isn't working and ask those around you for their opinion and guidance. It's sometimes hard to admit that you don't know. But the bottom line is that no parent knows every single answer to every single situation and we all need help. After asking for help, stop comparing. Just stop it. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Comparison is the thief of joy," Well, yes my dear friends, it is. If you want a way to feel really bad about things, just start comparing.
After Paul and I tried to do this, we ultimately got to two main points.
First, the most important thing for us is to help Whitaker and Parley be happy and learn. As long as they are making progress and as long as they are happy, then we are doing a good job. Their happiness and progression, no matter how slow, is the most important thing. It sounds so simple, but really, we are now evaluating everything that we are doing and asking, "Does it make them happy?" and, "Is it helping them progress?" If it isn't, it is time to evaluate if it's something we should continue. I think that is something that we don't always think of in the business of our lives-is it making them happy and is it making them progress?
And second, and the most important of all, but are we turning to the Savior to help us? Are we praying about it? Are we fasting about it? Have we been humble enough to ask the Lord sincerely for help to solve the problem? We decided that we hadn't been and maybe that is what we need to learn from this rough patch. We believe in a loving Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ who Atoned for our sins. There is a lot of comfort from that for me. I know that He wants to help me and I need to ask for His help. Be prayerful and humble to whatever higher power you believe in. Draw strength from that.
After all this-really, I felt a little bit guilty. I have it pretty darn good. I have a loving husband, three beautiful kids, a home that keeps me warm, a great family, a wonderful community and awesome friends. I'm pretty darn blessed.
I know that when I do this, I come out of that lonely 10% place and back into the 90% place, where I feel empowered and happy. Where I feel like we are all in this parenting gig together, and even though we are struggling with different things, our experiences are similar in nature. I hope that if you find yourself in that lonely place, you know that you aren't alone and hopefully Paul's wisdom helps pull you out.
good luck out there, y'all.
Jen
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