Lately I've been thinking a lot about our little family, our schedule and dynamics. There have been a few incidents in the past couple of months where I've thought a lot about the impact, good and bad, that our boys have on our little girl and family.
The other day, I spent the entire day at the school. I was literally there from 8 am until 3:18 pm. The baby was such a champ, literally sitting in her stroller while I worked. She even napped in her stroller, and only fussed a little bit. She didn't get much love or attention that day, and after all was said and done, I literally felt sick about it.
The saddest part was that most days are like that for baby girl. She gets shuffled and dragged around to all the appointments and therapies while my attention is entirely on the boys. Realistically, this is the case for your younger kiddos for any family. But I feel like because of our schedule and the amount of things going on that require my undivided attention, she plays second fiddle every day. She spends 4 hours a week at speech and OT with us, and another 10 hours a week we do home ABA that requires a lot of time and attention from me. When the boys are at school, and we aren't there, we spend it catching up on housework and running errands since we are not able to go out in the community much without Paul. She rarely gets any time dedicated to her and what she needs.
In some of my more recent conversations with other parents, the subject of your other kids has come up quite freqently. We all have the same questions. How do you balance it all? There are only so many hours in a day and so how do you give each child all the love and attention and care that they need, especially when some of your children need much more love and care? How do you keep it fair? How do you give them the time they deserve just as much as the special needs children?
These questions have bothered me for a while now, really ever since Whitaker was diagnosed and Chins was a newborn baby. But now that I have two boys with autism and a baby girl, I am really feeling the pinch of not having enough time.
Besides not having enough time to give to each of your children individually, how do you give time to yourself? Your spouse? Your family or friends? I often feel sad and like it is so unfair to baby girl that she doesn't get that time from me that the boys had. I often feel sad that I feel like I am never giving the boys enough because they have so many needs that it is impossible for little ol' me to fulfill. I feel sad that I'm not a better friend or family member since I am drowning in everything we have going on.
After that particularly hard day at the school, I talked to my sister about it. Talking with her helped me gain some clarity. She was kind enough to let me vent and in that venting, I was able to really sort through how I felt and the things I could do about it.
First and foremost, it will never be fair. There is no way that you can perfectly carve out an equal amount of time between each child. What matters is that I am doing my best to fulfill their most important and pressing needs. I've come to the realization that I can't each day fulfill every single need, but I have prioritized what needs I feel are absolutes each day. For instance, I try really hard to play with the baby any chance I can get-I feel that is extremely important. I feel like it is really important to have Whitaker and Parley go through their bedtime routine every night. I've come up with a mental list of things that must happen each day. Sometimes those things change, but I try each day to focus on the things that are the most important and let go of the things that are not musts that day.
After letting things go, I try really hard to not schedule myself with other things that pull me away from my kids. Some of those things are family dinners, outings with friends, things in our community. I've stopped doing anything extra that I can control. Doing this has been a huge relief. Paul and I would get so busy doing other stuff that our very limited time to give to our kids or each other was being cut into by other obligations that were not essential to us. That doesn't mean that we don't do anything besides taking care of the family, but we make sure if we are taking time to do something else, it is something that is important to us.
Last, I try really hard to have special things with each child. A special book, a special kiss, a special hug, whatever. I try my best at night to make them feel special and like they are the most important person in the world to me. I also try to spend individual time with each of them, even if it is only for a few minutes. Whit loves to go get chocolate donuts, Parley loves to go to the grocery store and push a cart around. Baby girl just loves to play. Those little moments make the biggest difference for me and for them.
I hope that I'm on the right track with trying to balance it all. I also hope that where ever I fall short, that Heavenly Father will make up the difference. I hope and pray that I will be guided and impressed to know what each of them need, and hope I can be all that they need me to be.
Good luck to all you mama's out there! We can do it....right???
Jen
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