they didn't need me...

in conversations with people, i feel bad talking about whitaker and parley, usually because i tend to go on and on and talk about things that they don't understand..  i get questions about how they are doing from well meaning people.  they generally want to know and are curious about how things are going.  what some people don't realize is that that question is a complicated one to answer.  it requires a 15 minute discussion about all the ebbs and flows because very rarely is everything going to plan.  it also can be a little emotional for me and i hate to well-up in tears to some unsuspecting person who is just trying to make conversation.  For simplicity I usually say, "They are good." and spare the poor person asking a lengthy answer. 

sometimes i don't follow my own advice and I give the long lengthy and emotional, at times, answer.  at those times, the response i typically get is, "well, they are so lucky that they came to you."

in our religion we believe that before we came to earth, we chose our families and that our families can be forever, after this life.  

i wonder what knowledge i had before this life that made me choose whitaker and parley.  don't get me wrong, i don't wish them away and i love them more than i can comprehend, but i've wondered what i knew then that i don't know now.  

as i've thought about what i knew then that made me choose, the only solution i've come up with is this.

they didn't need me, i needed them.

and i had to know how wonderful and amazing they both are and that they were going to save me, not the other way around.

no person in this world is perfect, and i am just as imperfect as the next person.  i don't possess any skill or ability or knowledge that is special or unique.  i'm just another imperfect person with flaws like everyone else.  when people say, "they are so lucky to have you," i would often think to myself, "that's really nice, but i'm no one special."  i'm not patient or unfailingly kind.  i can be moody and tired, critical, negative, emotional, sensitive and reactive.  i wonder why they came to someone as imperfect as me.

but every now and again, i get on my phone and look at pictures or videos from back when we first started therapy with whitaker and therapy with parley and i see how far they've come.  it's crazy to see those videos and think about how far we have come and how far we have to go still-it is scary to think about where they would be without all the help we've received.  but the other thing i realize is how much i've changed.  

i believe that this life is like a refinery process and i'm constantly being refined into the person God wants me to be.  this experience has refined me in ways i never knew i needed and continues to do so.  i continue to learn more each day about patience, love, kindness, empathy and compassion.  it has changed my life and who i am.  and for that i am grateful because i am still very rough around the edges.  

i'm still not someone who would say, "i wouldn't change a thing," because if the boys could wake up tomorrow and be typical-i would be elated.  but i am grateful for what this experience teaches me and what it teaches my family.  

i know now that it wasn't them who needed me-i needed them.  and i'm so grateful for them and all that they teach me.

jen