Denial

It's interesting how when you go through the grieving process-you realize that all your college professors who taught you the process of grieving were right.  We all know the stages, denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance-but what I didn't realize is how real and universal this process is for everyone.  Now when I say that I had to go through this grieving and mourning process, some people might think that sounds ridiculous.  It's not like whitaker died, he is still very much here, but all the hopes and aspirations that we may have had for him are now not a possibility, but more questionable.  For example, will whitaker ever want to be married and have a family of his own? Will he ever be able to play t-ball or soccer on a rec team?  Are we ever going to be able to go to Disneyland as a family?  Those are the questions and the realities that I had to think about when whitaker got diagnosed.  What did this diagnosis mean for the outcome of his life?  It was heartbreaking to have these questions and thoughts, it was heartbreaking to think that his future might be limited.

The grieving process really started when Early Intervention came and i realized that something was really wrong.  I was probably in denial from April 2013-August of 2013.  We were doing early Intervention therapy and we had not seen any progress whatsoever.  I think deep down I knew something was really wrong  but I kept telling myself that his language delay was due to his ear infections as a baby.  I remember telling myself, "he doesn't have autism," because autism was one of my biggest fears.  I told myself that having the baby would help or that one day it was just going to click. The saddest part, I knew I was in denial.

What's funny about denial is that denial is a defense mechanism.  We first go to denial to protect ourselves emotionally.  And denial is a normal and healthy part of the grieving process.  The problem is what happens when we get stuck in the denial phase.  

Throughout this experience, I've been fortunate to be introduced to people in different circumstances-but with hard things.  To be honest, I've been shocked at how many parents that I've gotten to know who are in denial about what's going on.  I am also positive that people have probably thought that I am in serious denial. It's hard for me to see these families and see how stuck they are-because I know the toll it can take on the entire family.  And just like me, I think deep down these families know they are in denial too.

So, why is denial so damaging when we get stuck?  Truth be told, the only person denial is helping is you.  Denial doesn't help your child, denial doesn't help you solve a problem, denial doesn't help your family or your marriage.  The only person denial helps is you.  

And the second point, denial really doesn't help you.  Trust me, from someone who was in total denial, i wonder-frequently-if things would be different had I been more honest and aggressive about helping whitaker.  I thought I was protecting myself by being in denial, but I was only setting myself up for heartache later on.

So how does a person go through the normal and healthy grieving process without getting stuck in the denial phase?    I wish I had the answer for you-but I don't.  I think it's a total personal thing that takes different amounts of time for different people and different situations.  What I can tell you is what helped me. 

I can't explain exactly what changed or what happened to get me out of that stage.  Maybe it was because I had Chins and whitaker turned 2.  Maybe it was because after 5 months of no progress, I knew there had to be another explanation.  I'm not sure exactly what it was-but one day, I was ready to be honest about what was happening, where he was at and that I wanted to find out what was going on so that I could help him.  I decided that it was time for me to "wake up" and face the situation for whitaker because no one else was going to do it for him.  I had to take an honest look and see if my actions were helping whitaker.  Lying to myself about what was happening wasn't helping him.  

I'm convinced that without a good support system, the love and support of my husband and those closest to me I would not have been able to move past that stage.  I'm also convinced that without my faith and testimony that Christ not only knew the circumstance but knew my heartache, I would not have been able to pull myself out of it.  

But what I really think a major catalyst in moving me past this stage was a shift in thinking.  Rather than thinking about myself and if I would be ok, I had to start thinking about him and if I was doing everything so he would be ok.  

So if you are finding yourself in a difficult place.  If you know that you are in denial about the reality of it-I encourage you to find a good and healthy support system who you can talk and be honest with and who you know will be there to support you when you are in the trenches of it.  And then, I encourage you to take that sometimes hard look at your situation and ask if you are really addressing and helping the situation.  If your answer is no, then I hope that the next step is clear for you.  And I hope that you feel empowered to do all you can.  

Moving forward was hard and scary-yeah-absolutely.  But it was also empowering.  I finally felt like I was really being proactive.  I could go to sleep at night knowing I was doing all I could do-and even though it was hard in an entirely  different way-I was relieved.  Being relieved helped everything.  I felt more motivated, I felt stronger, I felt happier and I was grateful-grateful that I was in this place.  That didn't take away the struggle, or the anger stage-but for me, being angry was better than being in denial.  At least I could direct the anger in a positive way (if that makes sense).  

Like I said before, denial is a normal part of grieving-and I feel like I go in and out of denial still to this day-but i can tell you that moving forward was more empowering than it was scary.  I would encourage you, if you find yourself there, to know that I am here for you in spirit and I believe in you.