Judgment...

I came into motherhood and parenting with a million preconceived notions of what a "good-parent" was.  I wasn't going to let the kids have chicken nuggets, soda or fries.  We were going to have him sleep-trained by the time he was 3 months.  He was going to be talking by the time he was a year. I was going to make my own baby food from my own garden- the list goes on and on.  I used to judge other parents that I saw all the time-parents that I saw at work, parents at church.  I would think, "I will never do that," or "they are just letting their kids walk all over them." 

but then life happened and a baby happened and our lives completely changed.  all of a sudden we were juggling a newborn while Paul worked and was at school while I was working full-time.  We had a baby who wouldn't sleep or eat.  And don't forget the crying...oh, the crying.  And I realized how unrealistic my preconceived notions were.  I realized that sometimes those decisions I saw people make were because they weren't going to fight that battle right then or that sometimes your child did run the show and they did call the shots no matter what you did.  And it's not that all my thoughts or wishes about parenting were bad or silly-but for our situation and for our baby, that wasn't realistic.  And it wasn't that I couldn't do any of the things that I wanted to do, but some just weren't going to work, or in the long run, they weren't that important.  I could do what was the most important to me and Paul, and that is what I focused on doing.

I also didn't know when I had Whitaker that I was becoming part of the "Mommy Judgment Club."  I think you all know what I am talking about-you know how judgmental and competitive moms are about those kids.  Let's be honest, it is hard not to be part of the club.  When your whole world shifts from being all about you and your spouse to being all about this new little person its hard NOT to get wrapped up in everything them.  You also want the absolute best for your baby.  You want them to be growing and learning and progressing.  And yeah, I think I lot of moms, including myself, are competitive with one another.  And if I'm being honest, I think a little healthy competition (key word HEALTHY) never hurt anybody.  I think a little competition keeps people being introspective about what they could be doing better.  People see their child progressing as a direct indication of their work as a parent and they want the best for them.  And, for goodness stake, we are so proud and excited with our kids when they learn something new-we can't help but share it and be proud of them!

It starts with "competition" about the big milestones-rolling over, crawling...then it's who says their first word first.  And I think its normal and it isn't meant to be malicious or cruel.  We are just so excited for the growth and in awe of their cute little minds.  But it's a slippery slope that can go from being so excited and proud of your child to being critical of other children or being critical of their parents.  As kids grow it's who knows their ABC's the soonest and then where your child is going to preschool and then it easily morphs into how much TV they let their kids watch or what clothes their kids wear. 

I would be lying if I told you I hadn't gone down that path-being judgmental or critical of other parents needlessly.  And yeah-we live in a world where we HAVE to make judgment calls, so to say that, "you can't judge," isn't realistic either.  Think about it, we have to make judgment calls every day.  But I think there is a fine line there from making appropriate judgment calls from being unnecessarily judgmental.  And I also think its easy to cross that line.  It happens innocently and with no intent to be mean.

But I remember the first time I became aware that someone passed judgment on me as a parent-and it was heart-breaking, especially because it was needless and it didn't feel very supportive-especially considering the circumstances.  After a family function, I was talking with a family member about the function.  This family member then disclosed that they had been asked by another family member that they wouldn't do certain things with their child that we had done with Whitaker at this function.  When the family member told me this, it was hard for me to keep my cool and know what to say.  This family member wasn't trying to hurt my feelings or anything, we were just talking.  But I was so hurt and mad that they had been critical of me when they didn't understand the "why's" of the situation.  And I was so hurt and mad that they had been talking about me in a derogatory way.  I thought to myself, "If you guys only knew..."  I racked my brain for the right response and said, "Well, you know, it's easy to see things from the outside and think 'I'm never going to do that,' but when you become a parent you realize that sometimes you've just got to survive and you do things that you always vowed you wouldn't."  I then quickly said that I needed to go and got off the phone. 

Then as we started the endeavor with Whitaker, I've felt the judgment only increase.  Every appointment, assessment, evaluation...whatever, I felt the initial 5 minutes of the interaction was judgment.  Judgment on Whitaker and then judgment on me and Paul and our involvement or ability to handle him.  Even in everyday situations-family dinners, family parties, meeting friends at the park, I still see people look at Whitaker and then look for who his parents are with that look of, "Who's kid is this?"

I've never felt so judged as I have this past year.

Initially the judgment, whether perceived or real, was one of the hardest parts of the struggle.  It is still hard for me to go to appointments and realize that every interaction I have with Whitaker is being critiqued and criticized.  It is hard for me to hear about people getting compliments out in public because most of the time I am "that lady" out in public.  No one would ever think I'm a good parent because usually we are having a meltdown or Whitaker is out of control and it is all I can do to get him to be quiet.  Yeah, I'm the Mom with the ipad out at restaurants, the Mom who's kid has the phone while they grocery shop, the Mom who goes through drive thru's.  I'm the Mom who I never dreamed of being and who I always criticized.  And to the outside viewer, it probably looks like I am the biggest "door-mat" of a mother.  They probably think I'm the laziest mother and that is hard for me.  It is hard for me to not care about what people think of me.  It's hard for me to let go that people probably see me and think I am a bad parent.

And then there's social media, and oh my goodness, what a beast it can be!  I have had to take breaks from certain social media sites because I can't take the competition.  At first, it was so hard to see everyone else's baby make progress when I was wondering what in the world was going on with mine.  I was jealous-not that they were progressing, but that my baby wasn't.  I was jealous even of my own nephews who were Whitaker's same age, it was hard to see them continue to progress  and learn.  It wasn't that I wasn't happy for them, but it was so hard to see everyone surpass Whitaker by huge leaps and bounds.  I felt like it was so in my face that Whitaker was delayed, it was everywhere I looked.  And then, there was the posting on social media.  I love to post pictures of Whitaker and Chins on instagram because it's my digital scrapbook.  But everytime I post something about Autism I have this internal debate.  Am I that mom who has to share with everyone that Whitaker has Autism? Am I that mom who can't post about anything else besides autism and our challenges?  But then I also think, "Yeah, everyone else posts about their little boy talking or the funny things they say, so yeah, I'm going to post a picture of his progress at OT and I'm doing it for me."  I agonize over it because I worry that posting a picture that specifically mentions Whitakers struggle will just add more fuel to the judgment fire. 

But the fact is, they don't know. Bottom line- they don't know. No one knows all your struggles and all the battles that you are fighting.  And it's really easy to see someone in a bad situation and make a call that it is a representation of every moment of their lives when, in reality, it was just a bad moment.  It is really easy to see something on social media and make a judgment that someone needs to stop complaining, stop posting about a certain struggle and get "over it."

But in the words of Taylor Swift, "haters gonna hate." And there isn't a thing I can do about that.

So I've resolved to be less judgmental myself, to be a little more compassionate.  To offer to help that Mom at the grocery store with the kids who are throwing a fit.  To be a little more understanding that people have to go through things in their own ways and their own times.  To try and understand the "why's" of the situations before judging a situation unfairly.  To remember that when someone posts about something going on in their life that is hard or great, that it is their life, and they have a right to share it and be proud of it.  And to remember how badly it has hurt me when people have judged me unfairly. 

The facts are that a lot of things matter and are important, and there are a lot of things that are really of no consequence in the grand-scheme of things.  And I am going to try and remember that.

Jen