running on empty

well-lets just be honest-I took a hiatus from blogging because things have been rough.  like really rough. we have seen lots of improvements with whitaker, but with each improvement, we feel like we see a loss in another area.  It's kinda like a teeter-totter.  things were going really well in june and part of july, but then suddenly-he started really fighting any type of therapy.  anytime he knew that we were trying to get him to do something, he would immediately shut down. 

it was super frustrating for me for a lot of reasons.  it was hard to see him stop doing things I knew he could do.  it was hard to deal with the behavioral issues, the tantrums, the scratching, the biting.  it was hard for me to get up the motivation to do anything because I knew it would be a complete fight and in the end, was it really worth it if he was freaking out and I was screaming at him?  everything was a complete fight, and I really mean everything.  we couldn't go anywhere without a meltdown, I couldn't get anything done and I felt so anxious about what this meant for his future.  was this his reality? was this the end of progression for him?  was every day destined to be a complete fight?

everyday was like I was running on fumes-emotionally, physically, spiritually.  I was emotionally spent-all the emotional energy that I had was gone in my worry and frustration.  I literally felt like my life was over, was this what I was destined to do everyday for the rest of my life?  Physically-I was exhausted.  I still have a nursing baby who is up at least once a night.  Whitaker was also waking up frequently at night.  I was also battling a 37 lb 3 year old everywhere I went, having to physically lift him and carry him when he was fighting with all his might against me.  Spiritually, I was so exhausted I wasn't taking anytime for myself to spiritually renew.  I wasn't praying or reading the scriptures on a regular daily basis.  I felt abandoned and alone.  On Sunday, rather than going to a Sunday school class-I was going to the nursery to help Whitaker.  Everyday was just about surviving, just about making it through the day. 

I hit a low point.  after talking to Mr. J about how I was feeling, we decided to go away for a night-take a break from the kids, sleep through the night and just refill our tanks.  on our little trip, we were able to talk about whitaker, "chins" and the other issues in our home that were causing us both stress.  we came up with this plan.

1. we needed to recharge our spiritual batteries daily. we needed to have consistent family and personal prayer, scripture study and family home evening
2. we decided what things we needed to do with whitaker everyday, no exceptions, taking responsibility for certain things and helping each other in making those things happen
3. we decided what things needed to happen with "chins" everyday-since he has always played second-fiddle to whitaker
4. we let go of some things that we were trying, but were having no success with.  there will be a time for those things later. 
5. we came up with a plan to help with household duties
1. cleaning schedule
2. laundry schedule
3. meal planning
6. we decided that we both needed alone time that the other needed to fulfill-even if it was just for 15 minutes.  if we needed more time, then we needed to plan it in advance.  we needed to make sure that we were both doing some sort of self care every day.

these were all things that we were trying to do, but we weren't having much success because we were so busy with everything else going on and we hadn't planned together.  now, it's only been a week or so since we came up with this new plan, but I have felt more relaxed and less overwhelmed.  Whitaker has actually responded so much better to the things that we are doing because we haven't been pushing as hard.  We seemed to have found the sweet spot, for now, where the things we are doing are beneficial and he is able to learn without being too overwhelmed.  I have been feeling happier, less frustrated and more hopeful. 

now, i didn't write this for anyone to feel sorry for me or for us, but in hope that this might help some of you.  so if you are in that place-that place where you literally have no emotional, physical or spiritual energy left to give-talk to your support system and try and take a break if able to refill those tanks.  Have a sit down and talk about everything you are trying to accomplish, what is working and what isn't working.  Lay it all out there on the line and talk about it so you can come up with a plan of how to feel less overwhelmed.  Everyone in your household will benefit if you are all feeling less stressed and more hopeful. 

hope this helps!

jen