Over the past few months I have also been contacted by a few Mom's who are going through the same or similar experiences to mine with their children. I have been and am so grateful for when I get the chance to help another family. The wisdom and advice from others has and is such a blessing for us and I am always happy and excited to have the opportunity to help another family out. It's one of the perks.
As I have been talking with these moms, i have had the chance to really think about our journey. There are a lot of things I wouldn't change or couldn't. But time and time again, I've had the thought come into my head about the one thing I would change.
You can thank "parenthood," for this nugget of advice. For those of you who haven't watched the series, it's worth it, even if it is hard/scary to watch. I am pretty sure everyone knows that one of the main characters son has aspergers-which is high functioning autism-and it shows this families journey to help him (and also a lot of other drama-and lets face it, sometimes it's nice to watch someone else's drama to forget about yours-am I right?). Anyways, in one of the first episodes, Adam and Christina go to see a doctor for their son and ask what to do. The doctor gives them great advice. He tells them to meet their son where he is at and bring him forward from there.
Looking back I was so fixated on what Whitaker wasn't doing and getting him to get to that point that I didn't meet him where he was at. All I could see was the end goal-get him to talk-and I got tunnel vision. I think I am paying for that now. That first year I pushed him so hard I feel horrible about it now. I specifically remember one incident with blocks trying to force him to stack one block on top of the other. Some how things ended in tears for both me and him-which is just ridiculous. It's almost comical to look back at those moments and see how off base I was because I was so desperate to push him to progress. I was convinced that all I needed to do was push him and he would go as fast as i pushed. It's pretty silly when I think about it now.
So what would I have done differently? I wish I would have met Whitaker where he was at. I wish I would have spent more time at the park playing chase with Whitaker, something that he ADORED! I wish I would have spent more time rocking him in the rocking chair and reading books-slowing down and really relishing in those moments. I wish I would have spent more time on the floor throwing the blocks like he was and occasionally stacking a block to model for him. Today it meant getting out every hat I had so he could put them all on his head and the on our heads and taking pictures and laughing together. I was so focused on a checklist of milestones that I missed the opportunities to really help him achieve those milestones. Each milestone is a hundred little milestones combined into one and basically what I was doing was pushing him to walk before he could crawl. By pushing him to do things he wasn't ready for I inevitable made any therapeutic activity negative, something we are still dealing with three years later.
As "chins" has gotten older, we have become increasingly worried about him and if he is also on the autism spectrum. A diagnosis has not been made, but is looking likely. I have reminded myself several times to meet "chins" where he is at developmentally and pushing him, but not like I pushed Whitaker. I feel like he has responded better and he actually enjoys therapy-most of the time. And since therapy is positive, I feel like it actually helps things-which is exactly why we do it!
But, just like a lot of the lessons I've learned so far in my experience of being a parent, this is something we can all do-regardless of if your child has autism or another special need or is typical developing. It's something we can do with many people around us. Let's meet each other where we are at and move forward. We can't expect people to run if they haven't walked first.
jen
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